This is my blog. I'm sittin my room listening to my playlist of awesome songs. The current track is Violet Hill by Coldplay. I just bought their album today and have yet to listen to it. Tomorrow for sure, lol. Santogold is the other CD I bought. Can't wait to hear it! Prince's The Beautiful Ones is playing now. I love that song! I don't know what to write about now. lol
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I have so many thoughts and feelings swirling around inside of me and they need to be released before I go crazy! Too late for that maybe? lol anywayz how can I be happy knowing that I hurt someone very close to me? Even though we haven't been together in almost 9 months, he still harbors deep feelings for me and has become a wreck lately wanting me back. The thing is is that I can't take him back because my feelings romantically are gone for him. I can't stand him even touching me! It's so weird. This should be easy. He told me today that love should come with a warning sign because he's never felt this kind of pain before. I've been there and know how he feels but what can I do? He just needs to get through it somehow and move on. I know he can and will. I hate being in this situation. To make matters worse, I'm starting to feel closer than ever to a friend of mine and I don't want to get too close because I'm scared of what might happen. I can't fall for anyone right now at this stage in my life. I need to focus on me. I can't afford to put myself in another relationship just to get hurt again. The only remedy to that is to stop hanging around him so much...it's too dangerous right now. Either way someone is getting hurt and I can't do a god damn thing to stop it. All I wanna do is go away by myself and just chill.
]]>I can't help but to feel somewhat somber and contemplative. I was talking with a friend about break-ups and relationships when I started to remember some of the things I did that I'm not proud of. I remembered the things my ex did to me that I can't believe I allowed. It really had me thinking about what causes a certain person to act the way they do? How and when does someone decide to control their actions or to stay with someone who mistreats them. We all eventually just 'know' when it's time. We know when to walk away. I truely believe that everyone deals with what they can handle. We tend to look down upon those who are abused in their relationships but stay with their partner. You have to realize that maybe that person accepts the abuse and they will leave the situation when they're ready to. You can't tell anyone they need to leave. Just like you can't tell someone to get back together with an ex partner just because YOU feel they are a good match. Feelings can't be forced. The heart wants what it wants and is 100% genuine. I totally love my ex but we are not in love with eachother. He is an awesome person and I don't know of any man quiet like him. He is amazing. While all that should be perfect and desirable, my feelings toward him romantically are gone. The physical attraction is gone. That I just can't help or fix. I get irritated when people tell me I need to go back to him. It really frustrates me because NO ONE feels how I feel. No one knows where my heart is at when it comes to that. I'm just gonna leave it at that because I don't know what else I can say.
]]>I don't know what it is but I just can't seem to go to sleep at night. I love it too much. It's quiter. It's cooler. People are more crazy. lol I can be up all night full of energy and wanting to have fun, but as soon as I see the sun, my body tells me I have to sleep. Even if I get 8 hours of good sleep, I'm STILL tired during the day. Until it gets dark of course.
]]>Hey what's up I just thought I'd share with you a real talented underground artist. I don't have any MP3's to post, but you can easily hear his music on his MySpace page: http://www.myspace.com/wahwahtaybenais
He's a very lyrical M.C. and there's nothing mainstream about him. He's a part of an underground label called Kamorra Ent. outta Minneapolis. Check him out and show some love!
]]>It's so confusing how certain people have such an impact on us whether we want them to or not. Some people make us feel happy just being in their presence. Others make us irritated or annoyed even when that is wasn't their intention. What is it that our soul knows that our minds don't? What draws us towards eachother to form friendships and relationships? It's not all pheromones. Even though scent plays a big role, you can talk on the phone and become connected to a person. Sometimes even a change in the tone of voice will determine how you feel about them. I believe we are all meant to come together for a reason. At each particular stage in life there are new people to guide us or to teach us. Some friends go away, maybe because their work is done. Others stay for a lifetime. Maybe the lifers are the true soulmates. All of this has me thinking so much. I should take a sociology class or something. lol
]]>I've been thinking alot about spirituality in the last few years. Things are getting clearer and stronger as my knowledge and acceptance increases. I'm so grateful for my helpers around me. They've done so much and continue to be here when I need them. This life is a just a small journey towards the true understanding of being. I ask myself what my purpose is...what is it that I'm supposed to gain from this lifetime? I know that one of my duties is to help others. I love being able to help even though I often have nothing more to give than an ear. I'm meant to love others because it's difficult for me not to. I fall in love fast with friends although it takes me a long time to fall in love with a boyfriend. lol I know that somehow I'm learning and making positive changes however small. I feel blessed everyday even when I'm depressed.
]]>I live alone in a quiet hell.
No one knows who I am or bothers to ask where I'm from.
I wander around aimlessly not looking for an exit.
I may stay here for a day or two...maybe even a few weeks.
It's comfortable here.
I have no motivation to escape.
All of a sudden I see the sunlight.
I decide it's time to go outside and play.
I shall return again.
]]>What causes one person to have certain views on another based on color, religion, sexual orientation, etc. I'm so sick of all the hate I see everyday. It's for nothing. Who are you benefitting by mistreating and misjudging others? You are closing off your world and you look totally stupid. I LOVE having diversity in my life. I thrive off it. Life is boring when everyone is the same, they all listen to the same music and wear the same style clothes. yuck. No thanks! I would rather learn from others and appreciate their uniqueness. I get treated differently everyday because of how I look. People have assumptions on the kind of person I am and it's str8 ignorant. We don't really know how one another lives unless we've lived their lives. Everyone is deserving of respect unless they disrespect you. Some people say you have to earn respect, but I respect everyone until they show bitchassness and are no longer worthy of it. Those are the people that need to be looked down upon. The ignorant. The haters. The prejudice. The racist. The homophobic. They are the ones who are sad individuals and their lives are robbed of happiness. We could feel sorry for them as others do. We could pray for them as others say to do...but I say hell with 'em. I'm not gonna feel sorry for them because they CHOOSE to be that way. They can't blame it on their upbringing because that's bullshit. All of us have a relative or more that are closed minded. I never let it hold me down. I'm sad when I see people of my own race talking down about other races. What for? It's time to stop being a victim and start living for our future. We are living in this world so either embrace it or change it. We can't hate other people because of our past. Fuck that. Let's move forward so our children can live in a hate free world.
]]>Man I'm so totally bored. It's a friday night and everyone is out having fun ( I assume), and I'm just sitting at home. Awake by myself with thoughts running through my mind. I realize I'm not as secure as I thought I was. I am always questioning myself and wondering if what I do or say is wrong, too much, not enough, etc. I hate coming off a certain way to people even though I know who and what I really am. I'm not ashamed of myself and yet I fear that others will be. Why am I like that? Why can't I just be confident and sure of myself and not worry about other people's perceptions? It's not even that I care what other people think, it's CERTAIN people I worry about. People that I'm close to but not close enough where they know me good. Does that make sense? Like friends or family that I don't see very often. I don't want them to see me in a way that makes them not respect me anymore. But I don't wanna be fake just so they will. You know? I'm at an age where this shit shouldn't even bother me but it does. Oh well. I know I'll get over it quickly and move on just like every other issue I've had. They come and go.
Speaking of impressions, you ever notice how when you're around certain individuals you get this 'vibe' from them and instantly know you don't like them? I get that alot when I'm around people. Some people I'm drawn towards, not in a physical sense, but rather a spiritual way. Like I just KNOW they're good people and I feel happy around them. Then there's those people that make me feel creeped out or stand-offish from the get go. I stay the fuck away from them. Well lately I've noticed it from others towards me. I can sense it when some people look at me, their eyes tell me they really don't like me. lol it's funny. I never get offended, I just know that spiritually we don't connect at all. The way I dress always draws a certain reaction. Most of the time I get an attitude from others like they're somehow 'above' me and I'm just a ghetto mess. hahaha and when I dress decent, damn do I get treated better everywhere I go. It's fucked up. Like today, everyone was being super nice to me everywhere I went. Maybe I looked like I had money, or I looked 'safe'. Most of the time I look poor and like I'm gonna kick someone's ass I guess. When I was in Cali, some lady approached me and my sister and asked if we could escort her to her hotel room so people would leave her alone. It was crazy. I don't know, I'm just rambling on and on...gotta find something else to do.
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